The Examined Life 4, or “It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

Here is my latest report from the front.

Parents are now not only giving their children ridiculous names (Chardonnay, DuBonnay, Chlamydia etc.) BUT THEY ARE SPELLING THEM WRONGLY TOO. Here is a typical scene: registration. Such is the nomenclaturial nightmare of this once simple activity that with a new class I always ask kids to correct me if I get their names wrong.

Me: “Antweaune.”

Antweaune: “Yes Sir.”

“Brooklyn.”

“Yes Sir.”

“Peckham.”

“Yes Sir.”

“Vladivar.”

“Absent Sir.”

“Thank you, Grosseteste. LaShagga.”

“Yeah.”

“Try again, LaShagga.”

“I said yeah.”

“And I said try again please, LaShagga, or by Christ I will employ this Argentinian bullwhip to deliver the most almighty thrashing you have ever had in your life.” *

[Rolling eyes extravagantly] “...... Yes SIR.”

“Liela.”

“It’s pronounced ‘Leila’, Sir.”

“Ah, I do apologise. I must have a word with the office at break: they’ve spelt it L-I-E-L-A.”

“That IS how it’s spelt, Sir.”

“ ... ah ... I, I ... I see. Er, right, er ... Hydroceffalus.”

“Yes Sir.”
"Vettriano."

I could go on.
But I weaun't.

  * I made the last bit up.

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