Does this ring a bell?

It's not only bureaucracies and politicians who warp language and meaning - and, in the end, people; who, living beyond the reach of human agency, are constitutionally impervious to acknowledging let alone acting upon the bleedin' obvious. Here's the text of a complaint I sent to a major phone corporation today.

Dear Orange UK,

This isn't a complaint about the employee below, who acted within obvious constraints, but against your Company.

I’m a long-standing Orange customer. I lost my mobile recently and ordered a new one, paying £9.98 for a next-day delivery. I gave my email and landline details but received no confirmation of the order by either.

The phone didn’t arrive and no note was left. I waited a few more days. After over a week and several phone calls to Orange at my expense, I spoke to Ms Xxxxx at the Xxxxxxx office today. She said the phone had been returned to you. I asked why Orange hadn’t let me know either that it couldn’t be delivered or that you now had it. She put me on hold, spoke to her manager and said he would refund the delivery fee while I could collect the phone from my nearest Orange shop.

We returned to the matter of the non-delivery. Ms Xxxxx said that Orange policy is that your delivery company always sends customers a text with the approximate delivery time. This is an automated system and there are no other ways of doing it.

I said that this seems odd: if I had a phone the firm could text, I wouldn't have ordered a replacement for it. Therefore it was futile for them to try to contact me. That's why I gave Orange alternative contact details in the first place.

Ms Xxxxx observed that it was unfortunate that I didn’t have a means of contact by text.

I didn’t think that Ms Xxxxx had quite understood my point, so I rephrased it: I didn’t have a means of contact by text because the only phone to which a text could have been sent was the one that Orange were trying to deliver to me.

I then asked whether the policy of texting delivery times to people who can’t receive them would be looked into and, if she couldn't do this herself, whether there was there anyone else I could talk to. Ms Xxxxx consulted her manager and then repeated the fact that it was a pity I didn't have a phone on which I could be texted.

She seemed unable or unwilling to acknowledge the problem or pass the matter upwards, so I asked to speak with her manager. She said he was unavailable. I noted that he'd been available twice in the last few minutes, but could I have his name so I could ring him later? Ms Xxxxx seemed unwilling to give a name, so I asked whether it was company policy not to allow her to. She appeared not to want to answer yes or no: again I had a strong impression that she was constrained, perhaps by the fact that, as phone conversations are monitored, she'd be in trouble if she departed from the company line (whatever that is: I remain no wiser).

In the end I lost patience, hence this complaint, which I stress is against you, Orange, and not her.

As long as (1) the £9.98 is credited and (2) I’m also credited 10 days’ payment against my mobile account because of the delay, I won’t seek further compensation for my long phone calls, wasted time or lost business unless you are kind enough to offer it.

But I would like you to give serious thought to the texting issue as this is central to the problem and, as a policy, may well affect others too. Please reply swiftly, candidly, and don't fob me off. If I've misunderstood anything, I’ll appreciate the correction.

Yours etc. ...