The Examined Life, 5

Me: Right! Just 12 minutes and 33 seconds have elapsed and call me a doctor but we have the register completed and I've even squeezed in one of my turns as a result. Staying in that groove, last lesson we were learning about the revolution of 1917 and how it changed the whole of the 20th century. Who can tell me in which country it took place? Hands up and don't ...

“Pakistan!”

No. Pakistan didn't exist in 1917. And you know the rule: put your hand up and don’t  shout out.

“Berlin!”

NO. Berlin’s a city not a country. And PUT YOUR HAND UP AND DO NOT SHOUT OUT.

“Hitler!”

PUT. YOUR. HAND. UP. AND. DO. NOT. SHOUT. OUT! And no, Hitler isn't a country either, though he seemed to think he was.

"Germany! Islamabad!"

SEE ME AFTER. Yes, Flatulence, you have your hand up!

“Pakistan.”

No, Flatulence: we’ve done that one already.

“OOOH OOOH OOOH AARGH AARGH Sir Sir SIR!”

Ah, well met Cappadoccio! You're clearly in pain but at least you've managed to get your hand up! Now is it just an ambulance you're after OR ARE YOU ABOUT TO ANSWER MY FUCKING* QUESTION?

“Can I go to the toilet?”

NO. Try again, Cappadoccio.

“Islamabad!”

Go to the toilet, Cappadoccio. Now let’s all calm down and F.O.C.U.S.: WHERE WAS THE REVOLUTION OF 1917? LOOK. AT. THE. SCREEN. AND. TELL. ME. WHAT R-U-S-S-I-A SPELLS. It's the 6-letter word concluding the sentence which starts, "The Revolution of 1917 happened in ..." Ah, Vladimir! Here comes a trusty Cossack to rescue this stricken Tsar!

“Poland?”

“FRANCE!”
“ISLAMABAD!”
"KARACHI!"
"HENRY KISSINGER!"
"Sir, what are those things on your arms?"

PUT. YOUR. HAND. UP. AND. DO. NOT. etc. etc.


* I made that last word up.

Dead Man Walking

You know how it is: you're a bit hard up and so you sign up with one of those casting and extras agencies that promises regular well-paid work in exotic locations around the globe and then you sit around for months and don't hear a thing so in the end you decide it's a complete waste of time so you're going to de-register the next morning and you even have a couple of bevvies to celebrate and then you wake up with a bit of a bear on you only to find your first ever email from the bastards and it starts "Based on the information you gave us when creating your profile we've found a job that matches your skill set and for which you may wish to apply" and you think well OK now what the hell and you scroll down and it's for an effing CORPSE and you think well I certainly feel like one and that's at least a good start so you click on the link and they tell you you have to pay a £120 annual fee to even look at it and I don't know why I bother with anything any more I really don't.

The Dinosaurs are Dead

The new Jurassic Park movie will involve a 'genetically manipulated dinosaur that goes wrong'. As if 'real' dinosaurs weren't interesting enough!

This is another example of expectation inflation: the self-fulfilling assumption that people have such short and impatient attention spans that even the marvellous is not enough, and the recognition that if there's money to be made from the fact, then that's quite OK.

And I hadn't even seen an Ankylosaurus yet.